Why?

Yet another time I find myself at a crossroad, questioning motives, questioning why we exist, questioning life, the purpose, the meaning of it all… Make no mistake I know there is a God, I know all things work together for good, I know God knows the plans He has for us but I cant help questioning it all sometimes… Faced with news this morning that my favorite cousin is no longer, seeing her suffer didn't make things any better. I find myself questioning and the questions I have are God why didn't you stop all of this at Eden, after seeing that Adam failed, having known what would happen, why did you still allow all of this to happen, how did you allow any of this to go on? Violence, pain, rape, murder, wars, poverty, hunger, child trafficking, death… you knew it would happen but you still let it happen… I question a lot, that is how I'm wired, nothing makes sense to me until I know why… On a quest to find answers, to find out why, why all of this, what was the point of it all, why God, oh why didn't you stop this, you have power to changes it all in a second and yet to choose to trust us… why? …why

I'm sitting at my desk, the weather is awful, I just spilled coffee on my boss, and He is on his way to a meeting with a shirt that has coffee stains, I guess you could say it's a good day... But instead of worrying I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to get me a job in New York City in the Film industry, firstly everyone in New York wants to be in showbiz, secondly I'm all the way in South Africa, yes I know the world has become joined via web and cyber space but still... I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage before I've even begun... My dream is and always has been to make movies, if not starring in one then definitely behind the scenes... I'd like to think I've taken the right steps to bring myself closer to my dream, and what better way than to go to a place where the art is respected and taken so seriously, if I'm going to do something I need to do it big... That moment has come again where I just want to pack my bags, run and chase my dreams, but I'm a bit reluctant, perhaps the very thought of what stands before me should i pursue is what scares me... the hardwork, the fact that I will be exposing myself to the world, feeling naked, having to pull everything in me to try and make it happen, then my worst fear, what if I don't succeed, what if everything I do is in vain, what if in the end it isn't what I was meant to do or what I thought I wanted... I stand to lose more by staying, the very fact that everyday I feel like I'm not doing enough, that I'm standing by and watching other people live my life, that is more than I can bear... and so I brace myself, prepare for the journey ahead, with ambition, passion and most importantly God on my side, I prepare to conquer... New York City here I come... :)

All in a days work

I don't know what to call the day i had today... but i was in tears most of the time. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Today I felt myself dying, literally.. felt the soul leave the body, a part of Me died. in that moment i left to come back not the same... Never in my life had i felt such pain, such stress, thought all of this was gone, thought i had left it all behind, but in true life style, lessons come and go only to go and come back... So many thoughts crossed my mind, what if I won the Lottery? What if I quit and became "umahlalela" wase Lok'shini? surely anything is better than this... What if i left work, got me a sugar daddy, atleast that would be easy money right? wrong... there is something about the kind of person I am, that no matter how tough a situation, I don't let go easily... God promised and I think it is only right, He should keep His promise... So even when the day's events have brought Me to my knees... I have no choice but to believe and trust... have no choice but to hold on and hope that tomorrow will be okay... For now I try my hardest to forget the events of the day, pretend everything is okay when it isn't in the hope that the Universe responds to positivity! isn't that what the "Experts" say? speak positive words into your life and the outcome will be positive... I don't know, had my fair share of problems... Think I could use a break... for now i have no choice, but to go and face the music.... Once again..

You cannot Outrun that which lives inside of You

We run all Our lives...
We run from all kinds of things, all kinds of people
We run from the truth, we run from lies
We live, we hope, we dare, we hide, we hope....
But the one thing that seems to always conquer is the fear...
It's true, ask them, ask them what prevented them from achieving and they will tell you it was the fear...
Graves hold the richest and the people who had the most potential but instead of freeing that which was in their hands they held on too tight...
Sad isn't it...
To think you could have achieved so much from this life...
It was always there you know, it was there starring at you. the possibilities, The dream, the ability... it's been here all along, it's been there from the start...
How can you run and think that you can outrun it...
How can you run away from you? Did you think you could leave it all behind? your dreams? your future? did you think it was possible...

Because the truth is you can Run, but you cannot outrun that which lives in the inside of You...
you can run as fast as a cheetah, but it will always catch up with you...
and the truth is it doesn't even run at your pace, it walks, because it too knows that eventually you will get tired and when you do it will be there right behind you waiting patiently....

Then what is the solution you may ask....

Embrace it, Love it... What am i talking about? .... Your dream, don't ever let it go... don't ever think you can outrun it... don't ever think you can hide from it, because it will always find you , lurking in some corner like a common criminal...

Find it, Love it, Embrace it....


I have spoken...

My side of things...

Guess one of the gifts that god gave Us in this life was not to know what the future holds, Life becomes so much more colorful that way...

But i cant help but feel so lost sometimes, cant help but feel like a stranger in my own life...

Wondering if I'm on the right track, if I'm doing even an inch of what I'm suppose to be doing...

Cant help but feel helpless at the best of times...

guess fear rules sometimes, yeah yeah i know... for i have not been given a spirit of fear but a spirit of a sound mind, of discipline right? yeah i know...

Cant help but feel a lot of things... cant help but want to fall in love, to find "the one", to have kids, to see life from another person's viewpoint...

there is so much more to life and yet we take it for granted... short as it is...

Sometimes i want to cry thinking about the "uncertainty"...

Cant help but feel that everyone who passes on, still had plans, still wanted to do so much more but never got the chance...

cant help but wonder if it were my day today, would heaven rejoice, or would they all look away, maybe at the waste that became my life, maybe at the death of the unseen potential...

I'm sitting in this very chair and cant help but wonder if there isn't so much more to this life than this.... God if you can hear Me, help Me to live, help Me to become every inch and ounce of what you wanted Me to be, help Me to number my days... help me to not become what i am now... Help me to be as you intended Me to be...

This journey is not easy, sometimes it gets so hard, but I need to believe there is more to what I'm doing. I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "I AM" ....

Word

Many a times we lose focus and not to mention the reason why we do what we do…
As things progress we find ourselves in this rut, this mess, this maze and we don’t know how we got there and sad but we don’t know how to get out of it either…
We feel stuck, which leads to helplessness, then depression, we lose hope and we start doubting ourselves…
How can what made sense once upon a time be the very thing that causes me to want to run away, pack my bags and leave..
How can what you once thought was an answered prayer be the very reason you want to give, denounce God and deny His very existence…
I don’t have the answer, perhaps you do. All I know is we have the power to change situations, we have the power to become whatever it is we want out of life….
We have the ability, the resources, the mind, the heart to be anything we want to be in life, and if you no longer are passionate about the one thing you would have killed for in the beginning, it’s okay, you can just change it… but it begins with you
The power of life and the power of death lies in your very hands
Be brave, let go of your fears, and face it head on…
Greet your fear, shake hands with it and tell it, it is time you left, pack your things, pack your bag and leave…
Guess I understand why Beyonce finally said “to the left”
Half the time, what you fear never really happens, either way you will never really know till you leave that chair and dare to jump
After all it is your life and you cannot live it on the sidelines

Lie to me...

I don't want to lie, seeing you makes me feel weak, it makes me doubt my heart, my confidence, self and mind...

Cant believe how much I'm falling for you when we are just friends...
I hope soon i will stop liking you. Mind lie to me then, heart deceive Me..
Spirit! Soul tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm hallucinating. tell me He's a bad guy and all wrong for me...

Someone... please lie to me...

Maybe then you should lie to me....

I just cant, I'm frustrated, I'm weak, I cant carry on liking you this way... wont last a minute... I'm slowly dying..

Maybe then i should lie to myself... somebody lie to me...