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Tuesday, September 6, 2011

All in a days work

I don't know what to call the day i had today... but i was in tears most of the time. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Today I felt myself dying, literally.. felt the soul leave the body, a part of Me died. in that moment i left to come back not the same... Never in my life had i felt such pain, such stress, thought all of this was gone, thought i had left it all behind, but in true life style, lessons come and go only to go and come back... So many thoughts crossed my mind, what if I won the Lottery? What if I quit and became "umahlalela" wase Lok'shini? surely anything is better than this... What if i left work, got me a sugar daddy, atleast that would be easy money right? wrong... there is something about the kind of person I am, that no matter how tough a situation, I don't let go easily... God promised and I think it is only right, He should keep His promise... So even when the day's events have brought Me to my knees... I have no choice but to believe and trust... have no choice but to hold on and hope that tomorrow will be okay... For now I try my hardest to forget the events of the day, pretend everything is okay when it isn't in the hope that the Universe responds to positivity! isn't that what the "Experts" say? speak positive words into your life and the outcome will be positive... I don't know, had my fair share of problems... Think I could use a break... for now i have no choice, but to go and face the music.... Once again..

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

You cannot Outrun that which lives inside of You


We run all Our lives...
We run from all kinds of things, all kinds of people
We run from the truth, we run from lies
We live, we hope, we dare, we hide, we hope....
But the one thing that seems to always conquer is the fear...
It's true, ask them, ask them what prevented them from achieving and they will tell you it was the fear...
Graves hold the richest and the people who had the most potential but instead of freeing that which was in their hands they held on too tight...
Sad isn't it...
To think you could have achieved so much from this life...
It was always there you know, it was there starring at you. the possibilities, The dream, the ability... it's been here all along, it's been there from the start...
How can you run and think that you can outrun it...
How can you run away from you? Did you think you could leave it all behind? your dreams? your future? did you think it was possible...

Because the truth is you can Run, but you cannot outrun that which lives in the inside of You...
you can run as fast as a cheetah, but it will always catch up with you...
and the truth is it doesn't even run at your pace, it walks, because it too knows that eventually you will get tired and when you do it will be there right behind you waiting patiently....

Then what is the solution you may ask....

Embrace it, Love it... What am i talking about? .... Your dream, don't ever let it go... don't ever think you can outrun it... don't ever think you can hide from it, because it will always find you , lurking in some corner like a common criminal...

Find it, Love it, Embrace it....


I have spoken...

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

My side of things...

Guess one of the gifts that god gave Us in this life was not to know what the future holds, Life becomes so much more colorful that way...

But i cant help but feel so lost sometimes, cant help but feel like a stranger in my own life...

Wondering if I'm on the right track, if I'm doing even an inch of what I'm suppose to be doing...

Cant help but feel helpless at the best of times...

guess fear rules sometimes, yeah yeah i know... for i have not been given a spirit of fear but a spirit of a sound mind, of discipline right? yeah i know...

Cant help but feel a lot of things... cant help but want to fall in love, to find "the one", to have kids, to see life from another person's viewpoint...

there is so much more to life and yet we take it for granted... short as it is...

Sometimes i want to cry thinking about the "uncertainty"...

Cant help but feel that everyone who passes on, still had plans, still wanted to do so much more but never got the chance...

cant help but wonder if it were my day today, would heaven rejoice, or would they all look away, maybe at the waste that became my life, maybe at the death of the unseen potential...

I'm sitting in this very chair and cant help but wonder if there isn't so much more to this life than this.... God if you can hear Me, help Me to live, help Me to become every inch and ounce of what you wanted Me to be, help Me to number my days... help me to not become what i am now... Help me to be as you intended Me to be...

This journey is not easy, sometimes it gets so hard, but I need to believe there is more to what I'm doing. I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "I AM" ....

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Word

Many a times we lose focus and not to mention the reason why we do what we do…
As things progress we find ourselves in this rut, this mess, this maze and we don’t know how we got there and sad but we don’t know how to get out of it either…
We feel stuck, which leads to helplessness, then depression, we lose hope and we start doubting ourselves…
How can what made sense once upon a time be the very thing that causes me to want to run away, pack my bags and leave..
How can what you once thought was an answered prayer be the very reason you want to give, denounce God and deny His very existence…
I don’t have the answer, perhaps you do. All I know is we have the power to change situations, we have the power to become whatever it is we want out of life….
We have the ability, the resources, the mind, the heart to be anything we want to be in life, and if you no longer are passionate about the one thing you would have killed for in the beginning, it’s okay, you can just change it… but it begins with you
The power of life and the power of death lies in your very hands
Be brave, let go of your fears, and face it head on…
Greet your fear, shake hands with it and tell it, it is time you left, pack your things, pack your bag and leave…
Guess I understand why Beyonce finally said “to the left”
Half the time, what you fear never really happens, either way you will never really know till you leave that chair and dare to jump
After all it is your life and you cannot live it on the sidelines

Friday, April 8, 2011

Lie to me...

I don't want to lie, seeing you makes me feel weak, it makes me doubt my heart, my confidence, self and mind...

Cant believe how much I'm falling for you when we are just friends...
I hope soon i will stop liking you. Mind lie to me then, heart deceive Me..
Spirit! Soul tell me I'm wrong, tell me I'm hallucinating. tell me He's a bad guy and all wrong for me...

Someone... please lie to me...

Maybe then you should lie to me....

I just cant, I'm frustrated, I'm weak, I cant carry on liking you this way... wont last a minute... I'm slowly dying..

Maybe then i should lie to myself... somebody lie to me...

Friday, February 18, 2011

Jozi Traffic

Jozi Traffic has become so unbearable...

So here i was this morning, for the umpteenth time driving on the M1 and thinking to myself and swearing (yes traffic sort of does that to me).. when the car infront keeps on hitting the breaks every 5 seconds, it pushes my my high blood to another level...
"One never gets used to this", after all these years I should be used to this, but I'm not.
and so.. it got me thinking...

I don't think the solution to Our problem is to have more tollgates on the road, what that is going to create is more debt and more people using their credit cards to pay off totally unnecessary debt and still have a lot of cars. because the way I see it, if we had a choice we would not be driving... really, I don't think that we all willingly want to be stuck in traffic, to tell the truth there's a lot of us who would rather not drive at all and be driven to and from work...

maybe Our Government can concentrate on fixing our transport system first and then see what happens...
If we really had an infrastructure like Europe, London we would not need to buy cars. a car has become a necessity, it isn't a luxury.. we use them because there is no way I'm going to be in 4 taxis in the morning and have the taxi driver as rude as ever and stand in a queue at the Noord taxi rank that meanders all the way to the street, and by the time I'm in the front, I'm late for work...

so increasing cost to travel isn't going to change anything if not the price of rice in China...
cost of living has become ridiculously expensive in Johannesburg, over and above the tollgates, petrol price keeps on going up, car parts need to be replaced... you know there is a lot of things... a car is like a baby...
I guess at the end of the day, who looks out for us, who has our best interest at heart?

In my state of frustration and at the realization that my salary will stay the same while my cost of living goes up, I have to wonder what we as society can do to protect ourselves, to intervene and have a say, after all we are the ones that will have to pay at in the end.. where exactly do you get a "thousand rand extra" to pay for tollgates, a cost that I classify as "unnecessary"...

I just had to voice my opinion, because I'm truly frustrated.. .I don't see a way out, just more problems...

To be continued....

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Crime


Soo much crime in this world, we read about all kinds of crime...
How can we not live in fear?
Crimes of passion - Dewani case, how do you really kill someone you love. crimes of recklessness - Jub Jub case, even though you didn't know what was going to happen, they still died, their families will forever relieve that horror. Crimes of hate - burning people because they are not local citizens, really? wait till you're the foreigner in their country; how would you like to be treated?
crimes that don't make sense - a person dying for a car, a wallet, or nothing at all, someone was high and decided to be trigger happy...
Damn i hate the person who created a gun, but then again other methods would have been soon discovered...
We live in these cages, emotional and spiritual prison..
Why do we live like this, poverty, rape, abuse.. the list goes on...
I die a million deaths everytime I see or hear of such things...
This world is not for people like ME, this world is full of hate... its too cruel..
cant take it anymore...
But what do we do? How do we make it right? Are we heading for some kind of Epic disaster, are we as "the human race" self destructive???
All the same... We fight every single day, whether you're awake or asleep, you're still fighting, there's no rest...
What about all of those who lost family members, loved ones through all kinds of ways... Are we really expected to just pick up the pieces and move on? act like nothing happened, like they were never there? no! I'm sorry.
I die over and over when I read about all these crimes.

I die over and over...

This door is closed for good...


Before I leave and walk away...
Before I open the door and leave for good...
I want you to know I always loved you, I cared...
Wish i could stay but the load has become to heavy to carry...
It's become too unbearable, I love you it is no joke...
For real, I'm serious, for you this is one of those things, for you its just another thrill, another conquest... just an affair, a trophy that stands high up there with the others... "been there, done that.. "
I've gone and lost myself too, gone and changed everything, silenced my conscience for you because i thought that was the best thing to do in that situation...
You didn't care then, you don't care now...
You're not the one who's lost, I did. lost my heart, lost myself, lost my mind, lost my conscience...
it is not worth it anymore, I'm tired... i cant carry it anymore...
and before i forget where i started.. I'm opening the door, taking my bag and my stuff, I'm leaving boo, I'm gone for good...
Take a good look at me, take a picture if you will because this is the last time you see this pretty face.. She is walking away...
She has become Her own person now... Like an ugly duckling morphing into a swan...
Keys in my hand, I'll slide them under the door, no need to get up...
I'm shutting the door for good, never to be opened..

Monday, February 7, 2011

throwing in the towel

I’ve been through a lot of things in my life…
Did it all, and thought can’t get any worse…
Thought I had it all figured out, Life that is…
I thought that if I did things my way, I will be ok….
I’ve soon come to realize that it doesn’t matter what you do or how good you think you are doing….
Sometimes, just sometimes Life comes and fucks things over… just when you think you’re OK, it comes and throws more stuff to confuse you and make things unbearable…
Truth is... I’m tired; I just can’t do this anymore… Life is like a schizophrenic freak, which can never make up His mind…
I can’t go on shielding blows, and with every blow I sink lower and lower…
I’m doing things I never thought I’d do, things I use to judge other people for and now its me….
I guess “in the same you will be judged” was no lie…
Save me from myself, end my misery, because I think I have had enough… can’t go on chasing papers anymore…
Life you’re a liar, promised if I stay positive and do things right, I would be successful, you lied…
Said if I keep at it, one day I will get there…. You lied.
My whole life I’ve tried the whole “be good and good will come to you”… I just can’t anymore…
If the law of Karma really works then I must have been really bad my past lifetime, I must have been despicable…
I just can’t I’m tired… I’m ready to throw in the towel…

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Forbidden Fruit..

So many times I've fallen for these "bad boy" type of guys...
Cute face, irresistible smile, sexy eyes and a bod to die for...

But what do you do when the one time you don't want to fall, you do...
You know He ain't yours, you know He's taken but you just cant help, cant stay away...

In a past life He was your soulmate or maybe its in the coming life.. what do you do when the one thing you've been searching for your whole life is there, you find it in this one person... "The Connection"! You connect on all kinds of levels, all kinds of ways...

What do you do, do you fight or do you walk away? Do you follow your heart or do you listen to your mind and walk away?

I pose this question because my heart seems to be entangled to someone who can never be mine.. Mind says walk away, Heart says stay...

What would you do in my situation?