I can hear you, yes you were talking, not exactly to me but I heard you… You said I was……. And that I should……, so you see I heard you… The next time you pick up a brush and comb my hair, I want you to do it this way, not that way… The next time you decide to change my look, I want you to consider how I might have wanted it to look like…. Hello there, it is me… yes me, remember me? I've lost courage, I've lost hope… everyday, I sit here waiting for you to acknowledge me… My name is...... And I too have feelings… I had dreams, I had hopes, I had visions of what I wanted to do, I believed we had a good thing together, believed you loved me just as much as I loved you… You promised me the world, you said we would do magic together, you said we would chase our dream, that we were a match made in heaven, we were the perfect couple, infact "thee" couple…. Instead as time went, and as you met new people, as we grew… you changed your tune, you chose to disregard me, every time I wanted to spend time with you, you locked me up, when you saw your friends you were ashamed of me and instead of introducing me, you lied to them and gave them false information about me… remember the first day we met, the first time we laid eyes on each other... we thought nothing could be more perfect... Now you are sitting here all confused, looking for me and you wonder why you can't find me, maybe it is because of all the shattered dreams, all the lies you fed me, what about all the things I saw you do and thought I wouldn't know, that I wouldn't care… Hello there, it is me, yes me.... the person that lives inside of you… The next time you look at a mirror, take some time to notice me and acknowledge I am there… the next time you hear that little, tiny voice, know it is me... tried so hard to grab your attention, but when you see your friends you forget I'm even there... Hello there, it is me...... I am you! you are and therefore I am...

A place called nowhere...

So many expectations, so many philosophies, so much to say and yet no real facts… Everybody is talking, but no one is making sense… So much noise, and yet when there is silence, silence seems so loud… A place where everyone wants to be a somebody, everyone wants to die a hero and yet the streets need saving but no one is stepping up to the plate… Everyone wants their names written in stones, they wants memoirs and statues raised in their honor, men who cant spell the word honor want to be remembered for honor… ha ha. People display character or lack thereof on their sleeves, what we see in public is nothing but a sham, the real person that comes out when no one is looking, is nothing but a coward, a little boy that was told he would be nothing and because of this fear or this wound that never healed inflicts pain on the unsuspecting and feels like a man, a man? Really? Even a dwarf's shadow at some point looks taller depending on where the sun is resting… Everybody wants to be a hero, everybody wants poems, books, letters written about them, everybody wants a legacy, everybody wants their name to live on, everybody wants to be remembered, everybody wants to feel their purpose was fulfilled, and yet no one lives out their purposes…. Instead people are out there chasing money, chasing status, chasing fame, and in turn this chasing births greed and breeds false hopes and injured souls… souls of men, men who were born to run, men who were born to carry out instructions, straight from their mothers wombs to the world… What quenched your thirst for good, what made you so evil, what did you do? Do you know who looks back in the mirror? Are you sure that the little black pupils looking back are yours?…. Selah It seems when we are born, we exchange our souls, make a deal with the devil… you think you have the upper hand, and yet the devil sold you Chinese gold in exchange for your soul…. Slowly it chips away, the gold that once was, slowly chips away to reveal the nothingness that lies within… We are but empty shells, seeking rest, seeking revenge, seeking peace, seeking justice for all the injustice you think you experienced… You eat, you listen, you watch, you try so hard to fill this void, but it is just like a sponge or a pot full of holes, as you fill, it empties it itself out…. Stop! Stop for a second, look back..do you see these footsteps, do you see how far you've come? Do you see the path and the way you have covered? (pause) But… are you sure… are you sure this is the right way, look ahead… what do you see? There are neither stars ,nor moon, nor sun, nor anything that resembles the little God that you are and yet you persist on acting like an idiot… you are nothing but an impostor, you lied… this is treason, treason I say! Be careful for soon, the day comes to an end and the sun sets for all of us, and once it has set you cant bring it back.. Watch out for night, Night brings with it deception and much evil, be careful, for night has made illusions and given false promises to the poor bystanders who couldn't see the way… night approached and asked if she could help, and when you follow and agree to her terms, she reveals exactly who she is, a thousand dark knights that are possessed with death, death is the greedy bastard that is never full, bastard I say because it neither knows its father nor its mother, death has no name and so it takes and takes and takes until there is no more names left to take…. Well attest that is the plan Be careful of the sweet little innocent kids you see along the way, those that beg for bread and seem helpless, once you are close enough everything changes, the world is not what you think it is… they lied to you, I can't tell you the truth, I don’t know what it is.. But across mountains and valleys , in paths not yet trodden, in places no human eye has seen lies hope, lies integrity, lies wisdom, lies understanding… lies the TRUTH…. For a while you will see it and then you will see it no more, because every time there is light, there is always some greedy soul that wants to consume it…. If they made you, they will destroy you…

Why?

Yet another time I find myself at a crossroad, questioning motives, questioning why we exist, questioning life, the purpose, the meaning of it all… Make no mistake I know there is a God, I know all things work together for good, I know God knows the plans He has for us but I cant help questioning it all sometimes… Faced with news this morning that my favorite cousin is no longer, seeing her suffer didn't make things any better. I find myself questioning and the questions I have are God why didn't you stop all of this at Eden, after seeing that Adam failed, having known what would happen, why did you still allow all of this to happen, how did you allow any of this to go on? Violence, pain, rape, murder, wars, poverty, hunger, child trafficking, death… you knew it would happen but you still let it happen… I question a lot, that is how I'm wired, nothing makes sense to me until I know why… On a quest to find answers, to find out why, why all of this, what was the point of it all, why God, oh why didn't you stop this, you have power to changes it all in a second and yet to choose to trust us… why? …why

I'm sitting at my desk, the weather is awful, I just spilled coffee on my boss, and He is on his way to a meeting with a shirt that has coffee stains, I guess you could say it's a good day... But instead of worrying I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to get me a job in New York City in the Film industry, firstly everyone in New York wants to be in showbiz, secondly I'm all the way in South Africa, yes I know the world has become joined via web and cyber space but still... I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage before I've even begun... My dream is and always has been to make movies, if not starring in one then definitely behind the scenes... I'd like to think I've taken the right steps to bring myself closer to my dream, and what better way than to go to a place where the art is respected and taken so seriously, if I'm going to do something I need to do it big... That moment has come again where I just want to pack my bags, run and chase my dreams, but I'm a bit reluctant, perhaps the very thought of what stands before me should i pursue is what scares me... the hardwork, the fact that I will be exposing myself to the world, feeling naked, having to pull everything in me to try and make it happen, then my worst fear, what if I don't succeed, what if everything I do is in vain, what if in the end it isn't what I was meant to do or what I thought I wanted... I stand to lose more by staying, the very fact that everyday I feel like I'm not doing enough, that I'm standing by and watching other people live my life, that is more than I can bear... and so I brace myself, prepare for the journey ahead, with ambition, passion and most importantly God on my side, I prepare to conquer... New York City here I come... :)

All in a days work

I don't know what to call the day i had today... but i was in tears most of the time. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Today I felt myself dying, literally.. felt the soul leave the body, a part of Me died. in that moment i left to come back not the same... Never in my life had i felt such pain, such stress, thought all of this was gone, thought i had left it all behind, but in true life style, lessons come and go only to go and come back... So many thoughts crossed my mind, what if I won the Lottery? What if I quit and became "umahlalela" wase Lok'shini? surely anything is better than this... What if i left work, got me a sugar daddy, atleast that would be easy money right? wrong... there is something about the kind of person I am, that no matter how tough a situation, I don't let go easily... God promised and I think it is only right, He should keep His promise... So even when the day's events have brought Me to my knees... I have no choice but to believe and trust... have no choice but to hold on and hope that tomorrow will be okay... For now I try my hardest to forget the events of the day, pretend everything is okay when it isn't in the hope that the Universe responds to positivity! isn't that what the "Experts" say? speak positive words into your life and the outcome will be positive... I don't know, had my fair share of problems... Think I could use a break... for now i have no choice, but to go and face the music.... Once again..

You cannot Outrun that which lives inside of You

We run all Our lives...
We run from all kinds of things, all kinds of people
We run from the truth, we run from lies
We live, we hope, we dare, we hide, we hope....
But the one thing that seems to always conquer is the fear...
It's true, ask them, ask them what prevented them from achieving and they will tell you it was the fear...
Graves hold the richest and the people who had the most potential but instead of freeing that which was in their hands they held on too tight...
Sad isn't it...
To think you could have achieved so much from this life...
It was always there you know, it was there starring at you. the possibilities, The dream, the ability... it's been here all along, it's been there from the start...
How can you run and think that you can outrun it...
How can you run away from you? Did you think you could leave it all behind? your dreams? your future? did you think it was possible...

Because the truth is you can Run, but you cannot outrun that which lives in the inside of You...
you can run as fast as a cheetah, but it will always catch up with you...
and the truth is it doesn't even run at your pace, it walks, because it too knows that eventually you will get tired and when you do it will be there right behind you waiting patiently....

Then what is the solution you may ask....

Embrace it, Love it... What am i talking about? .... Your dream, don't ever let it go... don't ever think you can outrun it... don't ever think you can hide from it, because it will always find you , lurking in some corner like a common criminal...

Find it, Love it, Embrace it....


I have spoken...

My side of things...

Guess one of the gifts that god gave Us in this life was not to know what the future holds, Life becomes so much more colorful that way...

But i cant help but feel so lost sometimes, cant help but feel like a stranger in my own life...

Wondering if I'm on the right track, if I'm doing even an inch of what I'm suppose to be doing...

Cant help but feel helpless at the best of times...

guess fear rules sometimes, yeah yeah i know... for i have not been given a spirit of fear but a spirit of a sound mind, of discipline right? yeah i know...

Cant help but feel a lot of things... cant help but want to fall in love, to find "the one", to have kids, to see life from another person's viewpoint...

there is so much more to life and yet we take it for granted... short as it is...

Sometimes i want to cry thinking about the "uncertainty"...

Cant help but feel that everyone who passes on, still had plans, still wanted to do so much more but never got the chance...

cant help but wonder if it were my day today, would heaven rejoice, or would they all look away, maybe at the waste that became my life, maybe at the death of the unseen potential...

I'm sitting in this very chair and cant help but wonder if there isn't so much more to this life than this.... God if you can hear Me, help Me to live, help Me to become every inch and ounce of what you wanted Me to be, help Me to number my days... help me to not become what i am now... Help me to be as you intended Me to be...

This journey is not easy, sometimes it gets so hard, but I need to believe there is more to what I'm doing. I need to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that "I AM" ....