Love me or hate me..

Love me or hate me I'm here to stay... love me or hate me I never did you wrong.... you love what you don't have and hate the very thing you possess, is it because you cant stand to look at yourself in the mirror that you decide to judge me, you judge me for the sin you cant seem to forgive yourself for... your insecurities have gotten the better of you or the worst... your childhood, that dreadful past is finally catching up with you... love me or hate me I have nuthin against you, i don't even know you but you sit there and say "I don't know her but I just don't like her" or maybe "I don't like her she looked at my man like she wanted him" nigga please, get with the programme, your insecurities are playing with you... I most probably wasn't even looking but he'... my beauty is seen as a threat.... but that aint my problem, I was born this way... Love me or hate me I'm still me and I'm here to stay.... stare at me if you want, lie about me, hate me if you want what's the worst you can do... Love me or hate me really I'm here to stay....

My other.....

Since the beginning we were and till the end of time we will. I walk not alone, I walk with another soul, in my distress He carries me, In my sorrow He lifts me up, in my pride He humbles me. In my shame He glorifies me. He is... We walk in pairs, so close and so perfect, like a person and his shadow. He is my reflection, I cannot hate him because that would be hating myself, What He is I am and what He's not I still am. I inhale, He exhales, I close my eyes, He sees, I move He moves. Why you may ask because he is my reflection. In his weakness I am strong, When He falls I'll carry Him through, In his downfall I'll lift Him Up. Intertwined we are, like a rope, It's Him, God and I the trinity completed. I know now I never walked alone, nor do I walk alone now, We are woven together for all eternity, I'm his "Yin" He's my "Yang", For How can you know what white is if there was no black I would not be complete! How else would I know what imperfection is if only perfection existed? Slowly He is rising like the Phoenix from the ashes for there can only be one of him in a lifetime for each and everyone of us. I feel Him, I see him, a structure forming infront of my very eyes, The full picture to be presented when it is ready, for nothing rushed does anyone any good, anything taken from its process prematurely before maturity cannot fully function, it's useless for you never gave it time to morph, shape and cocoon itself out. Love is not rushed, it is waited for with patience.... Alas I wait with patience.....

Still I stand....

Here I am standing on the sand at the shore, barefeet and still....
Everything else seems to be moving around me yet still I stand, move do something but dont just stand there....
morning, night, in rain and in heat here I am standing, I cant feel anymore, I'm numb....
The sea brings out all kinds of thingz and takes it right back in but there I am standing, I cant move. all is moving and there I am standing...
Storms and all are passing me by, how can i not feel, How can I not care... How can I just stand here all calm when storms are coming my way.....
The waves are getting bigger, I can smell the sea water, the sky is getting darker and getting angrier, lightning and thunder, so violent.... and yet there I am standing! standing! move! do something! are you even alive???.... is this the after life??? Could this be what death feels like??? The sky will clear, the sky will smile again, the birds will glide by and sing, waves will be calmer and Still there I will stand.....
Still I stand....

not again...

I walked on by, passed him on the pavement starring at me at The Zone Rosebank... you can see dude has been putting some serious effort tryin' to look cool, shades on, car keys in one hand {so many keys though I mean really, I could mistake you for a warden}, wallet on the other... could have just let me pass in peace but no had u to make a "cool" statement" "ur butiful" He said to which I replied "Thanks" with a smile... Beauty was what God had in mind when He made you, such beauty is rare, could put you on a pedestal and just stare all day if I had to! I will not say the rest but m sure you get the picture.... smile gone from my face and disappointed. Dude why? could have just stopped at the 1st comment. mannn sometimes less is more why you had to go and put your foot in it with such pick up lines.... I mean really could have just said Hi and if you saw me smiling ask if you can take me halfway but nooo had to go and sssound like a serial killer Ananias Mathe.... of cos I'm going to say No by the way how many galz have fallen victim if any.....
I'm a woman who knows that she's beautiful, what I'm looking for is someone who understands there is more to me than just my beauty, so what??? you gave me a compliment do I owe you or something, dont mean you have to tell me stories about how arrogant I am, I mean really. word of advice next time you decide to be on a stake out put on some sun block if you going to stand in the sun outside parking at a mall dont you have friends. is this a hobby to you??? I'm not some teeny bopper lying about her age at a mall. I'm a woman and all I want is some respect and intelligence if you dont think you can provide that then move on and by the way stop flashing your wallet at me I can afford my lifestyle. most probably has credit cards from 4 different banks and no real money. look cut this passage short - man please respect us, just because you told me I'm butful dont mean I'm gonna get wit u.... then plzzz dont describe how my body looks like and how it makes you feel, it's disgusting and perverted and last most things happen by chance you dont leave the house and go on a stake out and expect that you'll find a chick nigga plzzzz.... This is 2009 I'm a woman who understands her worth and knows what she wants and it's mos def not Mr I'm so cool you need me more than I need you in your life.... eeesh

heart

worlds apart.... mountains, rivers, roads apart... it hurts to be apart from you because all I want to do is be with you....
Funny thing this is, it creeps up when you least expect it.... we friends right??? wrong! we were playing a game from the beginning, the attraction was there from day one should have walked away then no we had to stay knew one of us was bound to get hurt... but why me? why now? why you? it's sad you'll never know... feel like Seth in "city of angels" I get to see your world but you'll never know mine.... because we're friends I get to know about your world and because I've fallen I cant tell you about mine...
I guess you'll never know I fear no guy and dont have a problem telling it like it is but I realise with you I stand a lot to loose and therefore I fear you... I hide in the knowledge that you'll never know... maybe this is better, these worlds between us, these meandering streams and deep valleys, high mountains and unreachable skies because then we are both invisible to each other... sometimes knowing we are under the same sky, watching the same moon at night, same stars is too much
till forever it is you'll never know...
my bleeding heart, my pain and the aching... I'm inlove, I've never met anyone like you before, you're sweet, gentle, make me smile, you make me believe there are still good guys out there... make me have faith in humankind again... In my heart, in my mind we are together.. you are my everything... my friend, my strength, my protection, my all....

My battle...

I stood face to face... looking the devil in the eye, so close I even noticed wrinkles....
I saw Him wink, saw the smile and twistedness from His eyes....
I was so close I could smell the cologne, saw the cuflinks, the label on the shirt....
I was so close I saw grey in his hair....
So close I could hear every beat of His heart....
So close the very hairs on my body stood to their end.....
So close I felt cold and shivered, wind blew through my hair...
never had I felt this way before...
I had such anger, such hatred, confusion and pain.....
Teary eyed I looked right back, didnt want to show I was scared, My Palms sweaty, so hard to swallow, could hear my saliva going down my throat...
I had goosebumps, felt like I was in snow with nothing on...
I thought to myself, dont you dare cry, this is not the time, tears dont fail me now....
God I cant do this by myself, this is too heavy on me...
Was this how Jesus felt when He carried the cross, It is heavy, I'm numb, I'm tired, I dont have any more strength left... if it possible take this away from me... I wont make it...
I sweated blood, I saw things, I heard voices, I felt things I never thought possible... where do I run, this is above me.. this is supernatural....
I started doubting Where were you God when I needed you the most... Everyone laughed at me saying "where is Her God now"... My temperature below 0 degrees. really cant feel anythign anymore...
I knew you were there all along, just didnt feel you God... I just needed a hug a kiss on my forehead, a voice to tell me it was going to be okay.... I needed the warmth, needed to feel you.... Why didnt I realise then that you would never let me down...
He's gone now, I can feel the sun shine once again, I can see you're still in control...
Finally I see the sunrise, I see the horizon...
I'm stronger now, I made it, I'm not ashamed, I stood when a thousand fell at my feet, 10 000 on my right, I stood in the midst of it all...
In the shadow of death I stood, in the still waters I was led....
Should have known you had my back all along....
My battle is over now, I realise I was being made stronger, You were building my character... This battle is over...

Up here...

This is where I stand high above a rock, hanging on the cliff... Wind blowing through my hair, can hardly see anything down below... Up here it is heaven, up here I am one with God, Up here nothing can touch me, Up here I sit on the same level with eagles... All geared up I'm ready to fly, I want to be one with the sky, the sky is the limit...
Up here my thoughts turn into words, my words form situations... Up here I see the future, clear and beautiful as it was meant to be... Up here everything is clear, everything is sunny... Up here I conversate with God and the answers are crystal clear... Up here I'm in the counsel of angels, we sit and discuss secrets of heaven... Up here I am a creator, I create situations, I create life.... Up here all things are possible... Up here life is as it was meant to be... there are no impostors, no back stabbers, no lies, no pretenders, no haters... life is just good.. Up here everything is pure..
Up here The trinity and I are one and I am one with the Trinity... "whoever curses me, curses the trinity and whoever blesses me blesses the trinity" "whoever harms me, harms the trinity".. I walk with God in secret places, places known by the Most High, you would have to stand on the cliff to see it... wish I could show you what I see... clear blue skies, clear perfect sound, I see visions no 50/50... wow it is beautiful, I'm humbled...
God now I can see that all along you were building my character, you were taking away from me all that is not you... you've been in control all along, preparing me for such a time as this.... I stand High Up above in the counsel of the Most High... Up here dreams become reality... Up here there is no fear... Up here there is perfect love...

Show must go on...

I lie awake....
questons that bombard my mind... my heart still in a state of recovery....
how do I go on? how can i go on? how dare I go on?
My life is like a face of a woman in the morning before all the make up, the cleansing routines, Clinique, MAC the works... She feels bare, naked wouldn't dare walk out the door and be seen by people because she thinks they will laugh at her, judge her or something!
Meanwhile she is a masterpiece, artwork, creative by GOD, the best yet....
I feel like I've forgotten my lines, don't have the script anymore, no props, no wardrobe... but the audience is there, they are out there, watching, waiting, anticipating my next role (for you're only as good as your last performance), what will she be like they say? will she be better than in that play? what if she's lost it? Ohh but her last performance was very mediocre.....
all in all... SHOW MUST GO ON.... Make up, lights, camera, action....
Curtains will open whether I like it or not... it's time... put a smile on your face, go out there and do it one more time... They love you after all (or am I fooling myself? after all we are all actors deep inside), maybe they pretend with me you see... I'm not like them, cant act like them, cant behave like them...
I'm just a crazy loner trying to make it in a world full of sane people..

7 months @ 3h30pm

My mom had the most trying 7months of her life when she was carrying ME. U see it wasnt easy @ all, the Doctors told her she couldnt carry on with me, that I should be terminated. Risk was one of Us wouldnt make it, or I would be born without limbs. Through faith & prayers she kept ME & @ 7months on this day at 3h30pm greatness was born, a princess, a warrior, a fighter, a survivor, an heiress! I think the devil must have been threatened U see, must have realised what model GOD was bringing forth, got scared & tried by all means 2 end my entrance but what he did not realise is that once GOD has decided... U cannot abort the mission, where Doctors thot it was a disaster, GOD was fearfully & wonderfully making me, what they couldnt see thru the ultrasound GOD was hiding under the shadow of his wings. U see my parents shaped & moulded greatness as per GOD's mandate. Why am I telling U this? Iv survived a lot of things, I now understand that 'the pain was preparation 4 ma destiny', GOD who was, who is & is in control is on a journey with me & what HE has started He will see it to the end (the finish line). U see when I think of where I come from there is no way I will keep quiet about this GOD, Great things He has done. The Angel when asked by Samsons parents who HE was, says Y do U ask, my name is too wonderful for U to understand... Thats who I AM... This journey started on this day the 11th @ 3h30pm & its not yet ended not by a long shot... God says 'Where I AM taking U is not like where I brought U from'! Im hoping my story will give U strength, hope & courage. If I can survive who R U not to?

Joshua 6 (The Message)

(This is how I interpreted it)

1 Jericho (OUR LIVES & things that bother us spiritually) was shut up tight (no breakthroughs’ or blessings coming through) as a drum because of the People of Israel (Society as a whole): no one going in, no one coming out.
2-5 GOD spoke to Joshua (Pastor Mosa), "Look sharp now. I've already given Jericho to you, along with its king and its crack troops. Here's what you are to do: March around the city (Pray), all your soldiers (Us – the church at large). Circle the city once (come to church atleast once a day). Repeat this for six days (Prayer Week). Have seven priests carry seven ram's horn trumpets in front of the Chest (God will not come unless we seek Him with all that we have, so in a way Our Leaders have to walk before the place where God rests). On the seventh day march around the city seven times, the priests blowing away on the trumpets. And then, a long blast on the ram's horn—when you hear that, all the people are to shout at the top of their lungs. The city wall will collapse at once (situations in your life). All the people are to enter, every man straight on in." 6
8-9 And it happened. Joshua spoke, the people moved: Seven priests with their seven ram's horn trumpets set out before GOD ( DR EZEKIEL, PS SAM, PS CEBISA, PS KEKE…ETC ). They blew the trumpets, leading GOD's Chest of the Covenant. The armed guard marched ahead of the trumpet-blowing priests (The Elders; The Executive committees, Zone Pastors, Leaders in All Portfolios) the rear guard (Angels) was marching after the Chest, marching and blowing their trumpets.
10 Joshua had given orders to the people, "Don't shout. In fact, don't even speak—not so much as a whisper until you hear me say, 'Shout!'—then shout away!"
14 On the second day they again circled the city once and returned to camp. They did this six days.
15-17 When the seventh day came, they got up early and marched around the city this same way but seven times—yes, this day they circled the city seven times. On the seventh time around the priests blew the trumpets and Joshua signaled the people, "Shout!—GOD has given you the city! The city and everything in it is under a holy curse and offered up to GOD.
20 The priests blew the trumpets.
When the people heard the blast of the trumpets, they gave a thunderclap shout. The wall fell at once. The people rushed straight into the city and took it.

Maybe...

Maybe He walks past me everyday, maybe He knows, maybe He too is going crazy wondering, maybe He's given up, maybe we'll never meet, maybe we have, maybe I broke His heart, maybe He broke mine, maybe some gal's messed Him up & scarred Him for life, maybe He'll walk away, maybe He wont, maybe I'll be the good He needs, maybe not, maybe we'll meet in a taxi, maybe in a bus, maybe in a plane, maybe in the queue, maybe at church, maybe we'll fight, maybe we'll make love, maybe we'll change the world, maybe we'll be the cure to a lot of things, maybe we'll be the reason why the world needs a cure, maybe we'll grow old together, maybe we wont, maybe we'll part ways, maybe you'll read this and know it is You, maybe You'll think I'm crazy, maybe just maybe we'll make magic together, maybe you'll be my yin and me your yang, maybe we'll tell beautiful stories together that will be told for years to come, maybe I'll be your Bonnie and you my Clyde, maybe you'll be my skwatta and I'll be your kamp, your Delila and you my Samson, maybe we'll travel the world together, maybe I'll have your kids with daddy's eyes and my features, maybe I'll be there when You leave this world, maybe I'll be standing besides You in Your most important moment in Your life, maybe I'm the missing link to your story, maybe You'll mean sumthing to me sumday, maybe just maybe I'm dreaming, and maybe just maybe I am...

Dreamer...

I can’t see the light and my future is not looking very bright…
I’m married to a cause, a cause of all my pain, my sufferings…
Feel like I’m losing this battle, stuck in cement…

I can’t move, I can’t find my voice… Slowly I’m disappearing; I can see ME reaching out to ME, the hand is held out but I can’t pull ME, cant pull ME through and slowly I AM fading away…
My efforts are too little too late…

Maybe I’ve got to wake up, smell the coffee, and smell the roses too…
GOD I feel like I’ve let you down, like I’m not living my purpose, not fulfilling my mandate, my gifting and talents are just sitting in a corner collecting dust… and I’m suffering…
Wish I could scream at times, cry! Whatever it takes... maybe take a long walk to nowhere like Kgoabane in Hopeville (ha-ha)…

What lead me to this point? Where AM I? Where AM I going to...?
I can’t see the light and my future is not looking very bright, I’m just a Dreamer… maybe never to wake up from this nightmare…

I’m just a dreamer, I’m just a believer and life is passing me by…
Feel like my hands are tied, my feet too... Because I cant seem to move… I can remember 2002, thought my dreams were coming thru, that maybe I could live the life I’ve always envisioned... but then I lost it, everything I thought I had I didn’t have, my world broke like glass into pieces I’ve never been able to put together… Now I sit with this void, this empty space that won’t fill no matter what I do, too scared, too scarred to try again… Too little, too late…

Feel I’m just a “has been” that never was… just a dreamer…
Yes... I can’t see the light, and my future is not looking too bright… But I’m still a dreamer; I’m a Big Believer…


Perhaps it is fear… my girl “Tiisetso” says “we don’t know what fear is” I agree but what I know is that my fear has kept me paralyzed, feel like I’m in a coma and the only thing that is keeping me alive are these machines plugged on the wall… I need to wake up, need a defining moment; maybe I need to see a burning bush like Moses, have an epiphany….
I’m not giving up yet…

I can see the light; my future is bright…

Because I’m a dreamer, I’m a BIG Believer…

Greatness...

Always knew I was born for greatness...
Was born to conquer every corner and space that I occupy...
If Reincarnation is real then I must have been a very wealthy somebody...
I love much, I risk much, I forgive much, I fall much, I rise, I carry on...
That's what I'm meant to do right... Fall but get right back up...
wounded, demoralized, defeated, I still carry on like a soldier, I fight a war that I don't know will ever end...
I take the time to know, I take the time to find out, I take the time...
Time waits for no man, while you stand in that corner waiting for approval, I've moved, I've crossed the line, I've moved on...
What is there to wait for, why should I follow rules...
Why should I wait, who said it has to be done that way...
So much red tape, these rules are driving me insane...
I love my freedom, I love the fact that I can do whatever I want...
Me and God that's how it was meant to be from the start...
The wind that blows behind my wings, pushing me to levels that are only a dream...
I ride on eagles wings, just me and GOD...
NO one else knows the person I become when doors are closed, no one has seen me break down the way I have, No one ever will but God does... and when all is said and done that is all that matters to me right now...
That's all.. I just need to know that God is there no matter what, at the end of my days, I want Him to hold my hand and tell me that it's okay...
For what am I but a creation by God, designed, understood and known only by its creator...

and so I still say, I came here to conquer it doesn't matter what stands in my way, I've got only one mission in mind.. To conquer...
I’ve fallen, I’ve slipped yet still I rise…

Africa...

Africa... Land of Our fathers...
You who knew pain when pain was still just a mystery...
You who gave birth to twins, Life and Death and is still writhing in pain...
How they loved you, How they mocked you...
You attract all kinds and reject all kinds...
Fertile, Strong Africa...
You are strength, Courage and are Brave...
You were like a woman in Exile, stripped of everything and left to die...
Bleeding you crawled from the desert, that dry and thirsty place...
So destitute you walked this path alone, with no fear in your eyes...
Doubted by All, mocked, ridiculed, despised...
Beaten, shunned from the world... You chose to embrace a Nation that was never thought to be worthy of humanity... You bore consequences for having a heart, Your sympathy and Love caused you so much grief and pain...
If they could see you now, the whole world resting at your doorstep...
Whoever thought such a day would come, when the whole world willingly, eagerly wants to rest at your bosom...

Can anything good come out of Africa? I'm sure that was the question on everyone's mind, well there it is...
You have managed to show hospitality, Love, appreciation and Kindness to the world..
Black, white, Asian, Coloured, all of them...

One small footstep for South Africa, One giant Leap for the whole of Africa... and One unforgettable experience for the Whole world...
Africa you have made us proud, Africa Our beginning but not the end...
You have shown us what it is to embrace that which resented you, what it is like to love when you are being rejected...
For a while the world wished you never were, a step child outside of wedlock...
A cousin no one wanted to talk about, a Brother who had potential and went astray...
Now you are the centre piece at a wedding table, a crown on a Brides head, the ring that symbolizes completeness...

You have become hope to the hopeless...
You smile at the face of adversary, you know when to walk away, you know when to stay...
You love eternally, forever...

When they leave they will know, and that will never leave their minds...

Suppose it changes their mind sets, suppose it doesn't... does it matter...
No not really, you are the bigger person...
With this I leave, having spectated from the side, I am glad and extremely happy I was a part of this...
Africa My beginning, but not my end..
I owe my existence to all the valleys, hills, the sky, the sun, the sea, the big five, shall I go on??? No I think you get the picture...
With this I leave you...

Continue to love, Continue to show them who you are, Continue to be that beacon of light to the whole world...

Africa I love you... Africa I am in awe... :)

Movie Theatre

It took me a while, but I've realized She lives in a dream...

She comes alive in a movie theater... that to her is an equivalent of Life...

She dances, She is alive...

Outside of that movie theater - she dies, She is like a fish out of water, out of depth - that is the description I'm looking for...

The moment that movie is on, she comes out, grips the edge of the seat, Popcorn, slushy in hand, like a child she jumps and is glued to that screen from beginning to end...

But don't be mistaken, she doesn't just leave at the end, She sits there, waits for the credits to come up and sees herself there, for that moment She's right there, right there with those words, she was a part of it, for that moment She was there...

Every-time the movie ends to her that is death until another time and the same cycle continues, Life outside of the theater to her is death, it is a cemetery, a mortuary...

Until....

One day when you come back, sit on that seat, popcorn & cool-drink in hand, She comes out, once again, leaps out like Jack in a box, She once again grabs the edge of the seat, body warming up... Feels Human again, eyes glued to the screen, She takes in every performance, every mistake they make feels like her own, every triumph, every good scene is hers... for that moment that world is hers, she lives there, that is her world!

Credits come up, She once again sees her name right there with those credits...THE END... they leave her there, cant take her with - she wouldn't survive the brutality of the real world, here she escapes, here everything is possible, here everyone is the same - in the dark theater it doesn't matter who you are, where you come from, it just silhouettes, forms of bodies shaped in the darkness, at the end you still leave... She dies... THE END...

Still believe in love

I've been in love before and I thought this time it would be it...

I loved from the deepest part of my heart and believed it would work out...

I got my heart broken and it took some time to heal..

I went into my shell and shut the world out... I refused to love and be loved...

Did it all to protect myself, couldn't stand to face another disappointment or be hurt again...

I don't know if you know the feeling of having your heart broken???

Well if you don't let me explain...

Falling inlove is like putting your heart in a person's hand and trusting them to protect and guard it...

When it is broken it feels like they (the person you gave it to) took it and squeezed it, crushed it, blood dripping and suffocated it till it was like a car written off by the insurance company... a mess, a bloody mess...

Sometimes though it feels like the person you trusted to guard it, took it and threw it on the floor and then a car ran over it, blood gushing out and it is bleeding and can never be brought back to its state again...

So yesss... after I had my one broken, I couldn't let that happen again, so I shut that door, I closed it and built a wall, put electric fence around it... the works...

for a while I was Princess Fiona in a castle, all alone, tower circled by a fire breathing dragon...

for sometime it offered solace, comfort and safety...

Now I feel I'm ready to face it all again, the world I mean... Love everything...

It needs me, I need it...

And the miracle is I still believe in true love, The God kind of love...

I still believe He's out there, I still believe in love...