today i died… when my mom got that dreaded call, a part of me died. when the phone rang i knew already something was wrong, the planets way of preparing me i suppose. it sucks really, it's like we are fighting against life, but it's a battle you know already you are going to lose at some stage, death always wins. whats the point really, of fighting, fighting when you know that when you reach Round 12, you will lose, that medal is not yours, that belt doesn't belong you, death must really be a heavyweight how else can you remain light when you have stolen so many precious souls. i wish i could erase this day, cut off the page that reads 08 November 2013, burn the piece of paper with that date and make sure there is no trace or proof it ever existed. Cousin, you shared more than our house, our childhood, you shared my heart, and when i heard of your passing, it opened up old wounds, all the people that i cared about that have passed on, felt like i was going through that moment again, felt like the pain i thought i had forgotten was being relieved through your passing, death doesn't announce it just rocks up and takes whatever it wants, selfish to the core, although it happens every single day, no one can get used to it. life sometimes i feel was a trap, like we had no positive way out, how else would you explain a child born in Somalia

, born to die with no hope or chance of survival, no food, no water, no shade. Cuz your death has forced issues out of my heart, things i keep suppressed and never want to question because i guess it makes sleeping at night easier, but yesterday was difficult, last night was hard, tried my best to be strong and yet my weakness exposed me. you are loved, you will always be loved, i feel betrayed because death went and stole you from my future, all my dreams had you in them, you were always featured. you had the unique ability and talent to make everyone laugh, to forget their problems even when your own were weighing heavily on you, you made everyone feel welcomed, you always brought the family together through your jokes, of course we had our differences, of course you made mistakes, but i had your blood in my veins you had mine, and so in my eyes i looked at you through rose colored lenses, perfect and beautiful, that is how i choose to remember you and that is how i choose to talk about you in future when we tell the future generations of you, i vow to never let your memory be forgotten. i love you, i loved you, i will always love you cuz...

23/10/2013 will ways be a day I remember as "the universe" communicating with me, filled with all kinds of coincidences and what I would call "orchestrated meetings… woke up in the morning and headed straight to training and that’s when it started… The module is on the 3 dimensions of time and how they affect us, and how it is possible to get stuck in one of the dimensions (not literally of course, but all has to do with the mind), I then thought about this long and hard and thought back to my own life, I saw a lot things that had happened were too much of a coincidence to be a "coincidence". Cut back to today again, left the training headed for SandtonCity, where I was meeting with the girls for a movie, and we were to watch a new movie called "About time", got there, had lots of fun and there were a few "pre movie" things to do for ladies, I walked in and felt in sync with the universe, like we were moving to the rhythm of mother nature, I knew this is where I was meant to be and nowhere else. The part that sort of raised my eyebrows was the movie itself, see the movie is about a guy born in a family of "time travellers", people who can go back in time and change things, get "another chance" so to speak, and he gets to re-live a lot of moments and change them as he pleases, and in the process affecting the outcome of his future. So then time affects everything, it is not a coincidence that I get to watch this movie now when I have started questioning a lot of things that happen and exist, the module at work… Ever heard someone say " I was almost involved in an accident, and had I been there a few seconds earlier or later that would have been me in that accident" or what about you arriving at a place and then run into someone who changes your life forever? What about you calling a friend at the exact moment when she really needed you… still think it is a coincidence? The mind is able to travel to the past, live in the present and go to the future as unpredictable and uncertain the future is, you create your own outcomes in your mind, and whatever thoughts you have in a way end up affecting your future, (you cant be thinking about food all the time and end up the most healthiest human being), so our "time machine" so to speak is our minds. Back to the movie, we meet people who would change our lives but dismiss them or never think much of them, but every person you encounter, every situation you go through, every conversation, the music on the radio as you change channels, the topic you find yourself drawn to, changing the channel and finding something that deep down in your mind you have been searching for, that is not a coincidence.. What am I saying really? Treat every occasion/ moment as it were special, there is a reason why we don’t get to relive moments in life, there is a reason we only get one chance and would never really get the moment to be exactly the same. Live in the moment, be in the moment, enjoy it, don’t go through life as though you were rushing off somewhere, this is it, decide early in the morning that you are in charge of the day and you wont let anything affect you negatively, take it slow and learn to see the beauty in everything (now I sound like a therapist but you get my drift) Time is limited, or rather we are limited by time, time divides everything into different spheres and our bodies cannot at any given time transcend or move away from it, we live within the confinements of time, and we best make sure we take as much advantage of it as we possibly can.

I want to feel love. Love that transcends space and time, the kind of love that must have been written in the stars, the kind that the whole of eternity has been waiting for and when we meet the universe holds its breath for a second in awe, in envy. I want that love old people write about, I want that love that made angels fall for men, I want that love that will bring healing, that love that will bring me back to life, I want that love that is forbidden, the love that stories have been written about, books and scripts, because it is too special to lose, I want the kind of love that will make life worth living, I want the kind of love that is will be written about and told for generations to come “once upon a time there was…”. I thirst for it, I long for it, without it I feel imprisoned, without it I feel dead, without I feel I have not yet lived…. Resuscitate me. give me a chance. I want that love that will bring worlds together, the kind that will change the very reasoning and way of life. Lead me to that love, be my eternity, be my forever…. Make me feel like this soul that is I had a real reason for passing through this world, for what better reason could there have been? To come in to this world and not love, would be nothing but a shameless waste. This thirst that can’t be quenched by anything not even by water, I’m looking for a way in paths not yet trodden by man, I’m realizing the only way to live is in knowing the truth, nothing but the full honest truth. Love… it’s time you got here.

I can hear you, yes you were talking, not exactly to me but I heard you… You said I was……. And that I should……, so you see I heard you… The next time you pick up a brush and comb my hair, I want you to do it this way, not that way… The next time you decide to change my look, I want you to consider how I might have wanted it to look like…. Hello there, it is me… yes me, remember me? I've lost courage, I've lost hope… everyday, I sit here waiting for you to acknowledge me… My name is...... And I too have feelings… I had dreams, I had hopes, I had visions of what I wanted to do, I believed we had a good thing together, believed you loved me just as much as I loved you… You promised me the world, you said we would do magic together, you said we would chase our dream, that we were a match made in heaven, we were the perfect couple, infact "thee" couple…. Instead as time went, and as you met new people, as we grew… you changed your tune, you chose to disregard me, every time I wanted to spend time with you, you locked me up, when you saw your friends you were ashamed of me and instead of introducing me, you lied to them and gave them false information about me… remember the first day we met, the first time we laid eyes on each other... we thought nothing could be more perfect... Now you are sitting here all confused, looking for me and you wonder why you can't find me, maybe it is because of all the shattered dreams, all the lies you fed me, what about all the things I saw you do and thought I wouldn't know, that I wouldn't care… Hello there, it is me, yes me.... the person that lives inside of you… The next time you look at a mirror, take some time to notice me and acknowledge I am there… the next time you hear that little, tiny voice, know it is me... tried so hard to grab your attention, but when you see your friends you forget I'm even there... Hello there, it is me...... I am you! you are and therefore I am...

A place called nowhere...

So many expectations, so many philosophies, so much to say and yet no real facts… Everybody is talking, but no one is making sense… So much noise, and yet when there is silence, silence seems so loud… A place where everyone wants to be a somebody, everyone wants to die a hero and yet the streets need saving but no one is stepping up to the plate… Everyone wants their names written in stones, they wants memoirs and statues raised in their honor, men who cant spell the word honor want to be remembered for honor… ha ha. People display character or lack thereof on their sleeves, what we see in public is nothing but a sham, the real person that comes out when no one is looking, is nothing but a coward, a little boy that was told he would be nothing and because of this fear or this wound that never healed inflicts pain on the unsuspecting and feels like a man, a man? Really? Even a dwarf's shadow at some point looks taller depending on where the sun is resting… Everybody wants to be a hero, everybody wants poems, books, letters written about them, everybody wants a legacy, everybody wants their name to live on, everybody wants to be remembered, everybody wants to feel their purpose was fulfilled, and yet no one lives out their purposes…. Instead people are out there chasing money, chasing status, chasing fame, and in turn this chasing births greed and breeds false hopes and injured souls… souls of men, men who were born to run, men who were born to carry out instructions, straight from their mothers wombs to the world… What quenched your thirst for good, what made you so evil, what did you do? Do you know who looks back in the mirror? Are you sure that the little black pupils looking back are yours?…. Selah It seems when we are born, we exchange our souls, make a deal with the devil… you think you have the upper hand, and yet the devil sold you Chinese gold in exchange for your soul…. Slowly it chips away, the gold that once was, slowly chips away to reveal the nothingness that lies within… We are but empty shells, seeking rest, seeking revenge, seeking peace, seeking justice for all the injustice you think you experienced… You eat, you listen, you watch, you try so hard to fill this void, but it is just like a sponge or a pot full of holes, as you fill, it empties it itself out…. Stop! Stop for a second, look back..do you see these footsteps, do you see how far you've come? Do you see the path and the way you have covered? (pause) But… are you sure… are you sure this is the right way, look ahead… what do you see? There are neither stars ,nor moon, nor sun, nor anything that resembles the little God that you are and yet you persist on acting like an idiot… you are nothing but an impostor, you lied… this is treason, treason I say! Be careful for soon, the day comes to an end and the sun sets for all of us, and once it has set you cant bring it back.. Watch out for night, Night brings with it deception and much evil, be careful, for night has made illusions and given false promises to the poor bystanders who couldn't see the way… night approached and asked if she could help, and when you follow and agree to her terms, she reveals exactly who she is, a thousand dark knights that are possessed with death, death is the greedy bastard that is never full, bastard I say because it neither knows its father nor its mother, death has no name and so it takes and takes and takes until there is no more names left to take…. Well attest that is the plan Be careful of the sweet little innocent kids you see along the way, those that beg for bread and seem helpless, once you are close enough everything changes, the world is not what you think it is… they lied to you, I can't tell you the truth, I don’t know what it is.. But across mountains and valleys , in paths not yet trodden, in places no human eye has seen lies hope, lies integrity, lies wisdom, lies understanding… lies the TRUTH…. For a while you will see it and then you will see it no more, because every time there is light, there is always some greedy soul that wants to consume it…. If they made you, they will destroy you…

Why?

Yet another time I find myself at a crossroad, questioning motives, questioning why we exist, questioning life, the purpose, the meaning of it all… Make no mistake I know there is a God, I know all things work together for good, I know God knows the plans He has for us but I cant help questioning it all sometimes… Faced with news this morning that my favorite cousin is no longer, seeing her suffer didn't make things any better. I find myself questioning and the questions I have are God why didn't you stop all of this at Eden, after seeing that Adam failed, having known what would happen, why did you still allow all of this to happen, how did you allow any of this to go on? Violence, pain, rape, murder, wars, poverty, hunger, child trafficking, death… you knew it would happen but you still let it happen… I question a lot, that is how I'm wired, nothing makes sense to me until I know why… On a quest to find answers, to find out why, why all of this, what was the point of it all, why God, oh why didn't you stop this, you have power to changes it all in a second and yet to choose to trust us… why? …why

I'm sitting at my desk, the weather is awful, I just spilled coffee on my boss, and He is on his way to a meeting with a shirt that has coffee stains, I guess you could say it's a good day... But instead of worrying I'm sitting here wondering how the hell I'm going to get me a job in New York City in the Film industry, firstly everyone in New York wants to be in showbiz, secondly I'm all the way in South Africa, yes I know the world has become joined via web and cyber space but still... I feel like I'm already at a disadvantage before I've even begun... My dream is and always has been to make movies, if not starring in one then definitely behind the scenes... I'd like to think I've taken the right steps to bring myself closer to my dream, and what better way than to go to a place where the art is respected and taken so seriously, if I'm going to do something I need to do it big... That moment has come again where I just want to pack my bags, run and chase my dreams, but I'm a bit reluctant, perhaps the very thought of what stands before me should i pursue is what scares me... the hardwork, the fact that I will be exposing myself to the world, feeling naked, having to pull everything in me to try and make it happen, then my worst fear, what if I don't succeed, what if everything I do is in vain, what if in the end it isn't what I was meant to do or what I thought I wanted... I stand to lose more by staying, the very fact that everyday I feel like I'm not doing enough, that I'm standing by and watching other people live my life, that is more than I can bear... and so I brace myself, prepare for the journey ahead, with ambition, passion and most importantly God on my side, I prepare to conquer... New York City here I come... :)